Half Baked and Half Naked

Archive for February 2008

So, my five year old officially knows how to ride her bike without the training wheels. This is really a pretty damn good accomplishment I think. It only took a couple days of the Hot Boyfriend and I taking her out into the cul-de-sac for her to pick up on it. This is not to say that she still doesn’t eat shit at least three times every time she rides, which has been every day for the last week, but it is still an accomplishment.

As a matter of fact, she has a road rash on her left hip and a slight case of it on the palms of her hands. Now that she knows she can do it though, it doesn’t stop her from hopping right back up there and trying to show me how fast she can ride in circles. She makes me so proud.

The first words out of her mouth when I get her in the car after school are “Mommy, after lunch, can I ride my bike?” Other than her obsession with the movie “Sharkboy and Lavagirl” she has never been this excited to repeat the same activity on a daily basis, ever. At least I got her to do some good physical activity, and it has already made her a few friends with some of the children that also live on the street. Next thing I know she will be asking me to let her ride to the liquor store to buy her own beer. I can’t wait.

Off to clean some more wounds,

K

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Last night I spent half the evening baking brownies for Kamys school. They put on one of those “Family Fun Nights”, and each of the grades had booths assigned to them. Kindergarten was assigned the Bake Sale, and a nail painting booth. The grade that makes the most money at their booth, wins a pizza party for the entire grade and a trphy or some crap like that. So, naturally, I wanted Kamys booths to make the most money. Not to be overlooked for the “Parent of the Year” contest; I baked the best brownies, and even volunteered to work one of the booths. I got put in the Bake Sale booth. Needless to say I spent the entire hour with my mouth watering from SERIOUS chocolate cravings.

In front of me was a table covered with home made brownies and cookies (and for those lazy parents, store bought cookies and “Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies”), that cost a whopping two tickets ($.25 each). It took everything I had in me not to let my pregnant woman craving out and eat the entire table while I was unsupervised. If I could have, I would have, let me tell you.

When I was pregnant with Kamy, I had a baking fetish of sorts, and would spend the late night hours baking everything from cookies, to cup cakes, to brownies, to pies. I gained 9lbs that month. I blame it on the fact that it was the month of December, and it is hard for anyone to stay away from sweets during the holidays. Of course the real truth was that I was just a pregnant girl with an unnatural need for chocolate. And sugar. And anything that sounded like it would taste sweet.

This time, I am trying to curb the urge to eat all those completely yummy treats. Of course, once the morning sickness goes away, I think it might be a little harder for me to fight the urge, I guess I will find out if I ever do feel better. Until then, I will just have to pretend I didn’t end up walking away with an entire bag of cookies and brownies – I had extra tickets to get rid of at the end of the fair, so I just had to “donate” them to support my kindergarten booth.

Fighting the urge,

K

First let me start by saying that I am sorry to have not written in a while. To be quite honest, I have been battling my hormones/emotions for the last month or so, and I think I might have a better grip now than I have in a while. Oh, and I took off the Heath Ledger post because I got really tired of looking at that picture of him.

Quick highlight, I got the most hits I have ever gotten yesterday, so thanks to those of you who are still reading me, or have Googled “Amy Lee” and clicked on my page. You made me want to write again, so here I am.

Lately, other than job hunting and being a vessel for my Hot Boyfriends love child, I have been trying to spend as much time with Kamy as I can. I am afraid she is going to feel slighted or something once the baby comes, and I want her to know how special she is to me, so I have been making every effort. I took her out of her after school program, not only because I could not afford to let them ass rape me for the tuition any more, but because I felt that I owed it to my daughter to spend my free time with her. She has been learning how to ride her bike, and napping in my bed with me during the days. We have baked, and run through the sprinklers, and just been together.

It was no joke however, when I mentioned before that I felt myself slipping into a depression. I have gone back and forth more than once with the disease, and it tends to get me by the balls so much easier every time. The sad thing is that I am a smart enough person that I can see and sense my world falling apart around me every time, and the more I try to mentally tell myself I can fix it on my own, the harder it is to come out of the fog.

I thought I had been doing so well. I was truly coming to terms with the unplanned pregnancy that the Hot Boyfriend and I recently found out about, and then I lost my job. That sucked ass pretty badly in itself, not to add the stress of a second baby on the way, and a slow as fuck economy that apparently has no need for people in my profession. At least not a need for someone as over qualified and high paid as I was. I have literally applied for nearly 100 different positions, and have yet to get a single call back. What the fuck is up with my karma?

I guess it just seems like everything that could possibly happen to make matters worse has been happening, and I feel absolutely helpless about it. I feel like I have no control over my life right now, and I hate that so badly. I don’t like to burden others with my problems, because I hate being the person who cries to others, I would much rather be the person to listen when others cry. It just seems like my world is slowly closing in around me, and I am helpless against it.

I hate this feeling.

I know that the only way to make anything better is to be honest to those people who it also affects, but that is the hardest part – admitting defeat once again. I will work though, to keep showing my daughter how important she is to me, and work to find another job before I am too pregnant to hide the belly and land a good job. I guess I just need a bit of support, and understanding, and love. I don’t know, I’m sure this is not more than anyone in my position would ask, but I feel wrong asking for it, even from the people who are most important to me, that would be ever so willing to give me the support I need.

Hopeful, I think,

K