Half Baked and Half Naked

Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

The last week or so has been pretty hectic. From doctors appointments, to my daughter’s last day of kindergarten, to a mini-vacation in Palm Springs, the constant “going-going-going” feeling has taken over. I had my 30 week appointment last Tuesday, and found out that everything is fine, but I wont be having another ultrasound, like I did with Kamy, unless the doctor suspects something is wrong. Good news I suppose, but I almost think that another ultrasound would put my mind more at ease that everything is ok with my baby girl, who we have decided to name Lilly Grace.

Monday my mother and I went to an awards ceremony at Kamy’s school, where she was awarded a “Perfect Attendance” award for the third trimester. Kamy was SO EXCITED to see us in the crowd as she walked in, and she was even more surprised to hear her name being called to get an award. Wednesday was her last day of kindergarten and the four kindergarten classes had an ice cream sundae party to celebrate the last day. Needless to say, 80+ five and six year olds mixed with ice cream, hot fudge, gummi bears, and sprinkles can make for one HUGE mess. But it was worth it to see the kids having fun – messy, stcky fun. I nearly cried when I gave Kamy’s teacher a thank you card for being so wonderful to her all year. It was a good end to the school year though, and I am now anxiously anticipating the beginning of my daughter’s first grade year. She is growing up so fucking fast, it scares me. And to think I am starting this cycle all over again – am I fucking nuts or what?

After school on Wednesday, the Hot Boyfriend and I picked up Kamy and surprised her with a trip to Palm Springs, where my parents have a time share, and were gracious enough to let us use it for a few days. We arrived around 1:30pm, and were in the pool within the hour. Kamy was hurling herself down the water slide, and doing handstands in the water for nearly four hours before we realized it may be time to go ahead and have some dinner. We went back to the room and cooked up some dinner and chilled out for the rest of the night. Thursday and Friday were more of the same, relax by or in the pool, with some breaks for lunch and dinner, and watching the Laker game Thursday night with MUCH disappointment. Friday we came home, and spent the evening watching movies, bumming it.

Saturday, oh Saturday. I finally got to meet the Hot Boyfriends daughter, who is abso-fucking-lutely gorgeous! She lives with her mother in Northern California, sp opportunities to see her are few and far between, due to unforeseen circumstances. She is going to be two years old in August, and she is tiny, and blond and so cute! I totally fell in love. Unfortunately, she was only available to visit for a short period of time, but I know it made my man feel good to see his baby; I could see how happy he was to have her in his arms the whole time. I feel lucky to have had the opportunity to meet her. Kamy kept talking about how she was her “big step sister” and I think that made him feel good to know that he is regarded so highly in Kamy’s life, as well as mine.

Later that evening, after Kamy went for an over nighter with her dad, Hot Boyfriend and I made our way to La Habra for my cousin Erica’s graduation party. She graduated from UC Irvine earlier that day, and she had a damn good party. There was a keg, which made me slightly sad honestly, because my first thought was “KEG STANDS!” of which I cannot participate (at least not for two more months wink wink). She had Asian food and a damn good cake, and champagne and lots of friends around her. It really was a good party, and I am very proud of my cousin for achieving what she has achieved. Hot Boyfriend and I ducked out around 10pm though, which was probably for the best because after we left, all the “drunk drama” started, so we missed that part, thankfully.

Yesterday was spent with family, and I got to see my gorgeous niece again. She is still so little, but I can see how much she has grown already, and it is hard to believe that she is 7 weeks old already! Where does time go? Seeing my niece makes me more and more anxious to meet Lilly, and let me tell you, the remaining 8.5 weeks cannot pass fast enough. Later on, the entire family gorged ourselves on shrimp scampi and crab legs, and we all lounged around with full bellies for the rest of the evening. A nice end to a pretty busy week.

Today Hot Boyfriend started a new job, one that pays better and almost guarantees lots of overtime, so it looks like things are finally going our way, and we will be able to start Seriously saving money so we can buy a house within the next year, and get married. He keeps telling me he wants to propose only when he can afford to buy me a two carat diamond – I am FINE with that! Hello two carats, I can ice skate on two carats! Anyways, today is a lazy day, just getting all the addresses together for my cousin to plan the Baby Shower she is throwing for me in July. Just another thing to make me want my baby to get here already!

Getting more hectic each day,

K

Saturday the Hot Boyfriend and I made our way down to the Anaheim Hilton for a friend of his’ wedding. This was not just your standard cookie cutter wedding either, it consisted of two ceremonies and a reception. The first, a traditional Hindu ceremony, was an amazing display of color and typical Hindu ritual. I have worked with Indian people in the past, and have seen a few wedding albums, and knew what to expect, but to actually witness the event was awesome. It truly blows away our American “traditional” wedding by far.

The second ceremony was a traditional Catholic service, followed by cocktail hour and reception. Cocktail hour ended up lasting around two hours, and the reception started late, with dinner finally being served at about 9:15pm. By that point, this pregnant bitch was hungry for some Indian cuisine. However, none was to be had, as Hot Boyfriend and I left prematurely due to some issues which will not be discussed at this juncture. All in all, I had an amazing time, and I got to witness something very beautiful.

Sunday, we packed up the van and drove Kamy down to Lake Elsinor to celebrate another friends birthday. Hot Boyfriend took Kamy for her first ride on a Sea-Do, and she loved every minute of it, urging him to go faster and faster. Thats my girl, a total thrill seeker with no inhibitions. He also took her for her fist boat ride, and she loved every minute of that as well. Seven hours later, we commenced the ride home, minus one birthday boy (long story concluding in his arrest for driving a boat while under the influence), and plus my one gnarly sunburn.

I am paying for my fun today, but it was worth it, just to see how exited my daughter got after taking a ride on those water toys. This will definitely be something we do again and again throughout the summer. It actually made me long for the future days when I can own my own river house and toys to play with. Soon enough, I keep telling myself, soon enough.

Oh yeah, less than 11 weeks to go – YAY!

Anxious,

K

My ever so smart boyfriend just called me to find out the mailing address to send his taxes to. Yes, he waited until the VERY LAST MINUTE. Yes, he was super frustrated because TurboTax didn’t give him the addresses apparetntly, but does that constitute him yelling at me when I can not just give him the answer off the top of my head?

No, it doesn’t. And I yelled right back that if he wanted help he would need to learn how to respectfully ask for it.

We hung up, he magically found the addresses on his own, and then he called me back to freak out about how to find a post office that was open until midnight tonight, because he already missed the normal post office hours. I “magically” found the nearest post office to him that was open, and when I tried to give him the directions he proceeded to chew me out that I wasn’t giving him the address in the way he expected me to. I once again reiterated that if he wanted help he needed to CHILL THE FUCK OUT and not yell at me for helping his procrastinating ass. Then I gave him the address and directions.

He then proceeded to praise me on how I was the “Bestest Girlfriend EVER!”

To which my response was “then remember that the next time you are frustrated and want me to give you the answer to something and decide to YELL at me for no reason.”

He actually apologized, for once.

Baby steps,

K

Lately, I have felt less and less motivated to do anything. In the two weeks since I got laid off, I have not even wanted to look for work and so I have really only half assed any effort I have made. To be quite honest, I feel myself slowly slipping into depression, and I don’t know how to stop myself.

The Hot Boyfriend and I have fought three times in the last week alone, two of which have been bad enough for me to call my best friend, in tears, and beg her to tell me I am not crazy. She always does, because she is MY HERO. I know that the reason we are fighting has nothing to do with either of us doing anything “wrong” to each other, and that the stress is what is really killing us, but it just doesn’t make things any better to sit here and worry that the relationship is going to deconstruct because of some god damn hormones.

I know that is what it is – my hormones. Sometimes he says things that really set me off, and I “change the tone of my voice” and he doesn’t like that. He feel like I am disrespecting him. Of course, he never owns up to the fact that his actions cause me to get upset, only that I am upset “for no reason”. I have tried to explain to him that yes, pregnant girls have issues in being able to deal with their emotions rationally, but he “doesn’t buy that” and feels it is just a cop out. I guess the fact that he has never carried a fetus in his uterus in his life makes him an expert or something, but he is just not compassionate, nor willing to admit his part in it.

I didn’t want this post to be a rant, and I don’t want to come across like I am just bitching about nothing, but this has seriously affected me. We fight, and I lose my appetite and feel like laying in bed all day. I lose all motivation to do anything, and so I just don’t do anything, instead I lay in bed crying until I fall asleep. This is the part of pregnancy that I hate, the fact that I can no longer control my emotions and feelings, and they are amplified to a degree that I know and feel are not acceptable. And the fact that I cannot seem to make him understand that.

I don’t want to lose him or this relationship, but I don’t know how to fix this. We got pregnant before we got a chance to really know one another, and he doesn’t know if this is the real me or not, and he is freaking out as well. I know all this, and I can logically understand this, but I just feel like I deserve a little bit more room on this one, and I don’t know how to explain that to him.

Fuck Hormones,

K

Its Friday again, thankfully! Though only three days long, this work week has sucked majorly. I have been SO tired all week, and cannot seem to get any type of relief from it at all, even when I take a nap in my car at lunch time. Thankfully, Christmas is over, and the year is nearly over too, and I get another 4 day weekend to relax and welcome the New Year.

Lucky for me, I get to spend one of the last nights of this year seeing one of my favorite bands, Social Distortion, play at the House of Blues Sunset tomorrow night. I am so fucking excited, I don’t know how I am managing to not piss my pants. Joining me will be my Hot Boyfriend, my Hot Best Friend, and her new Luvah; so it is definitely going to be a damn good time had by all.

On a totally different tangent, a question that keeps going through my head lately, is “How come the Hot Boyfriend doesn’t want to spend nearly as much time with me as he used to?” Could it be that he is still in semi-shock about knocking me up? Could it be that now, since I am not able to party and get drunk with him and his friends all the time, I am not as desirable a candidate for a random Thursday night hang out? Or a Friday night hang out? Or a Saturday night hang out? Why is it that we always hang with his friends, and hardly ever with mine? Why is it acceptable for him to spend four nights in a row partying at his house, or with his friends, but then only give me maybe two nights? He used to spend at least 6 nights a week with me, and he still managed to find time for his friends. And he was the one who always initiated everything.

Maybe it is my hormones getting the best of me, but in reality, I am so fucking vulnerable right now, I just want him with me, and he keeps finding reasons not to be. What’s even worse is that he doesn’t just party like a normal person, he stays up all night, and sleeps all day, then complains about how terrible he feels to me (he is sick, and has been for almost a month – maybe if he stopped staying up all fucking night he would get better) and uses that as an excuse not to see me – but then parties all night the next night. And the invitations to come over and hang with him have dwindled down as well. I don’t want to be the super sensitive girlfriend that complains about feeling neglected, but I do feel that way. I don’t want him to feel obligated to be with me, but shit, I didn’t get myself pregnant, is it asking too much for him to show me some fucking attention? Am I wrong to feel like shit when I have to ask him if I “get to see him” tonight, or any random night? What should I do?

I feel like I am stuck in a pretty low spot, and I have a tendency to slip into depression really easily – and it isn’t like I can take any meds for it now. I know I need to talk to him, but I just get so fearful of the impending fight it is going to bring on. Yes, a fight, because although he is a wonderful man, I think he is still stuck in the mode of being young and carefree, and having no serious responsibilities. I told him a few days ago that I feel like he doesn’t take my feelings into consideration the way I do his, but I didn’t go much farther than that – we had already been fighting for a good hour. Our first fight, on Christmas Eve, and I didn’t say anything I truly felt about what we were fighting about, because I don’t want to fuck this up. I am so afraid of having to do this alone, and though he knows I love him, I do not know how he will react to me spilling all these feelings. Some people will say that is a problem in our relationship that needs to be fixed immediately, but it is easier said than done. We are still fairly new, and now put under a ton of pressure because of the baby, and I don’t want to ruin what I have tried so hard to create with him already. It is shit like this I should have considered before having unprotected sex, I know, but what is done is done, and I have to live up to my responsibilities.

I just need him, and his love.

 

Tired, and frankly, kind of peeved,

K

I honestly have to say that after last night, I appreciate the fact that I have my Hot Boyfriend in my life more than I could even have imagined. I answered the ex-shithead’s phone call last night. He kept calling and texting all day yesterday, and I finally just got tired of hearing the phone ring. I answered and he spewed a bunch of the same bullshit he always spewed when he thought I was gone; only this time, he admitted that he knew it was really over.

He kept on with the lines about how special I am (well DUH), and how much he will always appreciate all I did for him (DUH #2). He tells me he wants to be friends, because he considers me the best friend he has ever had. The entire time, I was imagining the last girlfriend he had before me, and hearing those same words being said to her. It was all rehearsed sounding, even though I knew he was at a bar, and he as sounding pretty drunk by the time I finally answered.

It didn’t phase me, and I guess it kind of gave him the closure that I didn’t care to give him. It ended on a good note, and I truly felt like I had gotten rid of the one issue in my life that didn’t seem to ever have resolution. And I was so happy that I have moved on and found someone a million times better than I ever thought I could have found.

timmeh-and-kristine.jpg

 

I’m so lucky to have him,

K

It’s bad, really, to have the hatred I have right now. SO MUCH HATE.                 

I have worked so hard to get over this, and to move forward with my life in a positive way, yet I can’t seem to shake it right now. I hate him for all the shitty things he did to me. I hate him for having the balls to send me text messages telling me how he will always love me, even though he couldn’t figure out how to love me when we were together. I hate him for making me feel like in some way I was inadequate, all because this didn’t work out.

I hate him. 

I moved on, I found someone better; I even started to fall in love. Why is it that just as soon as I start to feel like I am living my life normally, he sets me back like this – the same way he did when we were together? I can’t let this happen again, and I don’t want to, but I can not stop feeling so much hatred for him right now. 

I FUCKING HATE HIM! 

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. 

Hey, if you couldn’t figure it out already, I just thought I would let you know; I HATE HIM.

 

Thanks for listening to me vent, 

K